Happy Festivus

Frank Costanza

"I have a lot of problems with you people!"

For those who don’t know, today is Festivus. Festivus started while Frank Costanza was raining blows upon some guy who reached for the same doll as him. Today, Angry Bruins Fan celebrates Festivus with the “Airing of Grievances” towards the Boston Bruins. I have a lot of problems with the Bruins and today is the day to get them out. So prop up your aluminum poles, grab your eclair from the trash and read my issues with the Bruins.

Dan Paille – Who do you think you are? You’re fast, that’s a good thing, but you have the hands of stone. Do you need me to start passing eggs to you? Do I need to scream “soft hands” while you break said eggs? Eggs are fucking expensive now and I can’t waste my hard-earned money on carton after carton of large whites only to have you break them. It’s both shocking and surprising that you are in Boston because you bring nothing to the table.

Marc Savard – You openly wear Ed Hardy and have a faux-hawk. Back in the playoffs your brain had the consistency of warm pudding and you still decided to play. After Game 1, you contributed nothing then you held out for post concussion issues. Where were these issues back in May?

Andrew Ference – Don’t speak about how this talk about Julien is BS. You know what’s BS, your contract. Your contract is such an albatross to the Bruins and your play doesn’t really reflect it. Instead of commenting on Julien’s position, how about you comment on your position (or lack there of). I hate you Andrew Ference, I HATE YOU!

Blake Wheeler – Pull the tampon out of your soggy vag and get into the boards for once! What the hell is wrong with you? You’re 6’5″ 205 lbs and you play like you’re 5’6″ 105 lbs. For a #4 overall pick, you’re really stinking up the ice. How Chiarelli figured out you’re worth $2M is beyond me, but its an overpayment for sure. Another piece of advice, if the puck isn’t over that blue line painted on the ice – DONT SKATE OVER THE FUCKING BLUE LINE.

Mark Recchi – I would say something, but I have no idea where you are.

Michael Ryder – Your stupid grin makes me want to tiger punch small children in the throat. I also think you’re a douchebag. Please don’t rob me.

Claude Julien – Jesus fucking Christ. I could go on forever about all the issues I have with you in 2010. First off, stop making excuses for your players. Hold them accountable for something, for once. If they don’t play well – stop playing them. There’s no reason for Dennis Wideman to be second in ice time last season when his play was so poor. Early in 2010 the Bruins faced the Penguins after Matt Cooke boombashed Marc Savard and (shockingly) the Bruins came out lame. Instead of holding your team to the coals, you made excuses. You said “we just came off a road trip” and “some guys were feeling well”. These excuses make me want to throw up all over myself and then go roll around in the snow. It’s BULLSHIT and for some reason you still have a fucking job!

Peter Chiarelli – You hand out terrible contracts. The Patrice Bergeron and Zdeno Chara extensions are overpayments – plain and simple. Your contract to Andrew Ference was appalling. Your excuse of making it to the second round in two straight years AFTER LOSING 3-0 TO THE FLYERS made me want to grab a razor blade and cut myself while listening to My Chemical Romance. Your lack of accountability towards the coach you picked pisses me off to no extent. I want to slap your face multiple times.

Bruins Fans Who Yell SHOOOOOOOT – Stop it. Stop yelling “SHOOOOOOOOOOOOT” when the Bruins are on the power play. Also, when they do shoot after you’ve been practically crying for them to do so, don’t complain if it goes into the netting above the boards. PICK A FUCKING SIDE AND DEAL WITH IT, IF YOU WANT THEM TO SHOOT INTO TRAFFIC JUST TO APPEASE YOU, DON’T BE MAD WHEN NOTHING HAPPENS FROM IT. You’re an uneducated dickhead in the sport of hockey and you should go home back to Fenway.

Okay, I think I’m done now. I’m sure some of you have some grievances to air today, so feel free to leave comments.

Now to end Festivus, Cam Neely and I are about to begin the Feats of Strength. Be right back.

Neely as Sea Bass

Try to kick my ass, Sea Bass!


About angrybruin

I'm a twenty-something year old hockey fan who is pissed off most of the time
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